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Therapy for New Parents

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As a new parent, it’s normal to question yourself about everything you’re doing.

Many people tend to think they are inadequate as parents and ask themselves questions like “am I doing this right?” or “am I messing my kid up?” Feeling insecurity and uncertainty about being in this new role is a very normal reaction to parenting. Many parents express fears of passing down generational trauma from their families or worry about managing their own emotions such as anger.

Again, these are very normal fears and actually are reflective of your desire to be the parent you wish to be to your child and signifies your love for them. As parents the inner critic inside combined with what can feel like relentless demands of parenthood can be overwhelming.

Parents deserve grace, peace of mind, compassion, and care in the face of demanding stressors.

What is postpartum depression versus normal emotional responses new parents have?

Experiencing hormonal changes, low mood, sleeplessness, hopelessness, rage, fear, inner sense of chaos, sadness, loneliness, and disconnectedness from partners, friends, and the world after bringing your child home is although extremely difficult to endure, normal to many of us. Culturally, even prior to bring your baby home there is a lot of messaging and judgement a parent may feel.

For example, pressures to breast feed and shaming for bottle feeding is deeply painful for mothers and parents who opt to bottle feed or do not have a breast feeding option. For those who do opt to breast feed, there is societal judgement about how long, when to stop, where you can or can’t do it in public. Breast feeding parents are often simultaneously shunned for public nursing and alternatively invisible as many public and work places do not accommodate special areas for breastfeeding.

Enduring this shameful messaging and holding it in again and again is hard on parents. As mental health likely can feel challenged at times (maybe a lot of the time!) other surprising emotions may unfold such as childhood memories, changes in intimacy and romantic relational dynamics, and an increase in external stressors (like aging/sick grandparents or household income loss).

Postpartum Depression

 

Simultaneous to all these new and familiar difficult emotional experiences, a heightened love, tenderness and attachment has developed with your child that for some can be overwhelming. For other parents it is normal for it to take time to grow attachment to your child and that is okay. You are getting to know your child and building memories just as your child is doing the same with you. Not feeling connected to your child can be both normal and be an adjustment period and can also be a signal of postpartum depression.

Some key indicators of postpartum depression include:

  • Loss of interest in life

  • Feeling like you might harm yourself, your baby, or someone else

  • Struggling to get out of bed

  • Feeling persistently angry with your baby, children or loved ones

  • Having significant appetite changes that are not your norm (though if breast feeding increased appetite may be normal)

  • Any drastic changes in your self-esteem and world view

If you are experiencing any of the above, this would be a good time to contact a mental health professional. However, even if you don’t believe you have postpartum depression however are feeling sad, not yourself or any hopelessness with normal hormonal and major life changes, this is also a good time for you to consider therapy and perhaps medication.

Life is demanding a lot from you at this time in your life and you deserve support and care right now.

New Parenthood FAQ

  • Given the heightened stressors in the environment (trying to keep a small, vulnerable helpless human alive for one!), mixed with hormonal changes/life turning upside down for both parents, it is also not unusual to have memories/flashbacks/revelations about your childhood arising. This can be incredibly difficult to sit alone with. Having a therapist to process any conflicting/unexpected/jarring feelings that arise as you shift roles and take on new and additional responsibilities can be very helpful.

  • Both parents can experience postpartum depression and deserve treatment to address the enormous identity and life shifts that happen after bringing your child home. Relationships are resilient and can expect to endure conflict throughout the life of the relationship—conflict is normal and healthy. We are all different and have different needs; in relationships we navigate our differences and practice talking through and finding agreement in our mutual goals and decisions.

    Even thinking about a goal, let alone talking through conflict can feel like too much to take on and overwhelm us. Sometimes too much is too much and being in a acute and exasperated state of crisis can wreak havoc on a relationship.

    When resources are worn thin—sleep, finances, alone time, relationship time, nutrition, etc. the only answer is likely to obtain more resources to support you and your family. This might include increased childcare, family member support, family therapy, and less hours worked at your job (if at all possible).

  • Trust. If it feels new and hard to hard to ask for and accept help, trust that you have a relationship with the people you are asking, and that foundation means they know you. Trust that they know you, that there will be opportunities in years ahead to reciprocate support and trust that they understand that this is perhaps one of the most vulnerable times in your life. It feels good to help and trust peoples’ words; when they offer, they mean it.

    Connecting with peers/fellow parents/community members who are also responsible for children/other family members and talking about it. It’s okay to go in without a solution and a solution doesn’t have to be the goal. Connecting with others and finding that likeness can be healing and transformative.

  • Determining if you are ready to begin a psychotropic medication (for example an SSRI/anti-depressant) regimen is a personal decision that is yours however if you are having ambivalence or need guidance, your psychiatrist and therapist can help you navigate if this is a good time. If you are currently taking medication and feel it isn’t helping, this could be a time to consult with your provider about adjusting dosage or switching medication.

    If you are ambivalent and curious about medication, engaging in therapy can be a helpful place to start. Creating space for yourself to talk with a trusted professional about hardships, emotions, and life stressors can help bring relief and clarity. Therapy can have many different focuses and you can collaborate with your therapist about what you hope to get out of the experience. A value of therapy is it can provide us a lens to see ourselves more clearly.

    Learning to observe our thinking patterns, identifying where these thoughts began, and challenging thoughts that no longer serve us. For example, if we find our inner critic saying “I don’t deserve nice things” or “there will never be enough” or “I’m a bad mom” therapy can help illuminate meaning in these thoughts and how to redirect in a direction of abundance and self-love.

  • Therapy is also helpful when it comes to finding coping and self-care skills that work for you to help de-stress. Parenting can feel relentless, draining, and overwhelming. Parents face demands from every direction at times whether it is caring for an elderly parent, managing family finances, working their job (s), going to school, and maintaining relationships with loved ones let alone their children’s daily temper tantrums, crying, sleepless nights, bathing, feeding, and navigating childcare.

    As a parent your patience is constantly tested and having outlets for stress is vital for your well-being. Getting stress out of your body through walking, breathing fresh air, journaling, coloring, listening to a podcast, closing your eyes/resting, eating foods that make you feel good, staying hydrated, finding a pocket of alone time in a day, or listening to calming music.

    It may feel daunting to add in self-care rituals to your day and feel like more work. However, there is no right or wrong way to do it—the key is practicing whatever works for you and carving some time in even if it’s 20, 10, or 5 minutes a day. You deserve this.

    A therapist can help you identify coping skills and find ways to practice them. Talking to a trusted therapist helps regulate your nervous system, set intention in your life, and ideally see yourself more clearly.

    Back to contemplating medication.

    Sometimes when we are finding it hard to get out of bed or do any of the above ideas mentioned (or self-care skills you want for yourself), exploring medication can be an aid to help you.

    I like to look at medication as a bridge that can help get you from where you are now to a place of having energy and mental capacity to approach sustainable skills you want to build in your life. Self-care is work and when we are too sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed to approach self-care, medication can provide some relief, take the edge off, and make potentially daunting things a little less hard.

    I am speaking generally about medications, and it is something to consult on specifically with a prescribing provider. While many therapists do not prescribe medication, they can support you in the process of deciding how you want to proceed with next steps around a medication consultation or trying out other self-care tips first.

  • Parenthood can intensify emotions in us and surprise us with the array of feelings we experience. Fear, rage, pain, grief, love, awe, longing, loneliness, and joy to name a few. When we navigate how to build self-care into our lives, it is not uncommon for feelings of guilt to arise.

    Learning to tolerate the distress of others like a partner is a vital part of listening to what you need and taking care of yourself. This can be incredibly difficult for many; particularly if you grew up in a household where you felt responsible for a caretaker. You may build a daily walk into your routine or a weekly date with your friends—this may inconvenience your partner and they may feel angry. You can validate your partner’s emotions and remain firm in your decision to care for yourself in that moment.

    Therapy alone can help.

    Therapy can help explore what external factors can be reimagined, prioritized, and let go of. Therapy can help you identify patterns you might find yourself in. Is that guilt feeling familiar? Did it begin before you became a parent? Parenting can be a gift as we learn we can no longer avoid but must look inward.

    Practicing an ability to tolerate other’s distress will help normalize self-care in your routine. Your loved ones are allowed to have their emotions and feel upset as you are allowed to take care of yourself.

    Dr. Becky Kennedy describes this practice well in her book Good Inside, advising self-talk: “Someone else is allowed to be upset when I assert myself; this doesn’t make them a bad person and it doesn’t make me unable to uphold my decision” (p. 112).

    Meeting your needs at another’s inconvenience may be more difficult for some of us depending on our socioeconomic position in the world, our childhood family dynamics, and other related factors. Therapy can help focus in on how you have been impacted by different important relationships growing up that may have influenced/informed how you interact with others.

    As parents, it is not uncommon to feel a loss or shift in identity and therapy can help you connect with your core self and ways to feel anchored to that self. Being a parent living in the pandemic world has turned our worlds upside down and been very traumatic. Practicing gentleness, softness, love, and connectedness with self is well-deserved for you parents out there.

  • Crying, moving your body (walking/dance/stretching/breathing), connecting with yourself (having alone time) and connecting with peers/community are healing practices to help move the stress and trauma out of your body.

    Talking with an individual therapist is a space to process anger, pain, fear and considering a family therapist might be helpful as your family is recovering from a collectively traumatic few years.

    If therapy is not financially possible, checking out books from the library, listening to podcasts, journaling, and organizing get-together with friends/community can be incredibly helpful. For example, I have heard of some parents forming book clubs once a month to connect on a topic they are all interested in. Finding it hard to have time/energy to read? Try reading for 5 minutes a day before bed. Maybe even just 2 minutes!

    Connecting to lives and worlds outside of ourselves can help us feel less alone and remember the world is much fuller and bigger than we realize. This can be a healing realization and offset the voice of depression that might put blinders on our eyes and lose hope.

 A special note for queer parents:

Wherever you are at in your journey of family planning, it is normal to experience a range of different feelings and emotions that might come including excitement, curiosity, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, powerlessness, frustration, guilt, hope, hopelessness to name a few. If you are queer identified, some of these emotions may be amplified as you tackle the logistics of creating family whether you are exploring fertility and surrogacy options, adoption, fostering as examples. It can be taxing not only emotionally but financially as you explore what options are available to you.

After navigating the family planning process, raising children in a hetero and cis-normative society can activate triggers old and current feelings of difference, exclusion, and feeling ‘othered’ in parent settings/communities. Often our childhood memories might resurface, and we are noticing more about dynamics with our parents/caregivers and families of origin. This can be painful and overwhelming as the identity and resilience you have cultivated through difficult times in the past may feel challenged and you are looking for ease, soothing and self-love in this new chapter of your life.

As a therapist, I have worked with queer parents who ask themselves, “do I deserve to have a baby, a family?” or “why do I have to go through all of these fertility measures that cis-het parents do not have to?” These narratives are reactions to living amid oppressive barriers and can stem from childhood trauma growing up “othered” in family and school life. For many queer parents, triggers around body and gender identity can be triggered whether the parent is a gestational parent or finding themselves navigating their gender identity as a parent in what many in the world observe as traditional gender parent roles.

Additionally, queer parents might experience worries about communicating their identities/relationship to their child and at what developmental stage to begin these conversations. Other triggers may be realized navigating childcare settings with other children’s parents and fearing being seen as different or getting unwanted attention. These different emotional experiences that arise can be better understood through self-discovery whether it is therapy, journaling or another outlet. Environments that are inclusive and representational of difference are also important for queer families navigating safety and reducing triggers. While it might feel daunting and overwhelming to address emotional hardships of the past and present, it is helpful to look to our emotions as guides telling us what we are needing. Leaning into what we are longing and developing understanding around that will allow more room for stillness, inner peace, joy, and contentment in our lives. Finding queer local listservs, starting meet-up LGBTQIA+ community groups, individual and family therapy are all resources to help you get relief and connection as a new parent.