Virtual therapy in Brooklyn, NY

LGBTQ Affirming Therapy

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It is a human need to be understood, seen, loved and belong. You deserve to feel free, embodied, and empowered.

The expression “coming out” can have different meanings to all of us. Maybe it was you as a teenager coming out to the family that raised you and sharing your truth that you are gay/questioning and the wounds have not yet healed. Or maybe you are in the mid or later part of your life telling your spouse/romantic partner (s) of several years that you feel differently in your sexuality, body and gender.

Perhaps you have come out again and again in your life and you feel the pain from the trauma of the past and present. Maybe it has felt safer to avoid relationships all together because the fear of showing and exploring this part of yourself felt too overwhelming to endure. Whatever stage we are at in our lives, change and transition can be hard and impactful.

With all the fear that comes with showing our inner world to our outside world, also can come joy, contentment, relief, and opportunities for deeper connection to self and loved ones.

While feeling emotions and observing the need for change will certainly bring liberation, inner lightness, clarity and enhanced life meaning, it can be challenging and therefore helpful to have professional support as you navigate relational boundaries and learn how to take space for your authentic self.

Growing up in households where it wasn’t safe to express anger, sadness, or opposition to the common view, often teaches us to suppress our emotions and avoid our needs all together. At the time that was the best and only decision we could make to be safe. What that means for us as we establish emotional and sexual intimacy in our adult relationships is that we may not know what we feel or what we want. We never learned to feel.

Meeting with a therapist can help you relearn what was you had to unlearn to be safe. Knowing how we feel can help us find relief, serenity, and confidence while helping our relationships.

Common struggles for LGB/GNB/Trans identified individuals seeking therapy

Coming out and engaging in psychotherapy presents an opportunity to learn and know what you feel. Discovering what it means to reparent yourself and transform the traps that shame reinforces like the feeling of stuckness in I’m “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong” is integral to the therapeutic process. Experiences and fears around lack of acceptance, family estrangement, rejection, boundary violations, and relentless heteronormative/phobic/cisnormative/phobic social and institutional messaging can increase isolation and a loss of self. I am here to help you find that voice that has been buried or punished and is now needing to come to light and be known. Feeling confined to either/or thinking patterns that are so prevalent in our society mixed with oppressive experiences is a recipe for people-pleasing.

People pleasing is a survival tactic and a trauma response. While people pleasing has perhaps kept you safe it can build resentment and adds a barrier to discovering your desires. This is work and practice to identify this part of self and find a balance where you can feel safe and be you in your relationships. Your inner child knows you are not broken, you are resilient, perceptive and powerful. You deserve to feel confident and have the life you want.

Perfectionism. Shame wants to keep us from looking back and looking inward. Shame feels unbearable to lean into and yet step by step easing into the darkness gently, we can learn to manage and transform those feelings. Like people-pleasing, perfectionism is also a tactic to keep us safe, to blend or fit in with the dominate culture (embedded in White supremacy ideologies), and to attain what we’ve been told we are supposed to attain whether it is our appearances, achievements, or what we can do for others. Perfectionism keeps us “stuck” and steals our joy. Learning to be vulnerable to pleasure and joy and to prioritize this feeling experience ahead of external validation is a goal of treatment while lessening the default to be “perfect” for the world. These patterns often can begin in early life and we can thank them for helping us at that time. In treatment as adults, gently and compassionately we can transform these patterns through insight and practice.

Five therapy skills for LGB/GNC/Trans clients seeking liberation and self-love:

  • Suspend and delay judgements of others around you. When you find yourself looking to find a good or bad or a right or wrong answer, ask yourself if there is another lens or perhaps something you don’t have information on yet.

    When we have been bullied, excluded or rejected we may have an urge to choose an either/or option. Notice what it feels like to pause. We often find that when we hold a more generous, kind, open view outside of us, we can love and accept ourselves more easily.

  • Being in oppressive environments can instill a reaction in us that tells us to we must meet another’s expectation. This can impact our daily internal state. We are faced with thousands of decisions a day. Practicing our right to make decisions for ourselves and to prioritize our well-being and inner peace is integral to tackling shame and finding our true voice. This can be exciting! Who are you? What do you care about? Do your decisions and time reflect your values?

  • Humans are contradictory and we often have feelings/thoughts, and emotions that seemingly oppose each other and feel in conflict. You know what? This is normal and can be a beautiful part of our resilience. For example, we may feel immense grief and sadness alongside relief and awe after losing a loved one.

  • While therapy often focuses on supporting you with your inner life discovery, it is vital that you notice how you feel in environments and that those around you respect and affirm your identity. You deserve to be surrounded by love and affirmation and to explore what you want that to be. This is especially true for LGB/GNB/Trans, women and BIPOC folks.

  • Toxic oppression can increase shame around our bodies and sex lives. Joining support groups, reading literature, talking to trusted peers, and engaging in therapy are ways to understand yourself, educate yourself, and gain tools to bridge emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship(s). I have experience supporting clients who practice ethically non-monogamy (ENM), BDSM, kink, and SW.

*Author Alan Downs, PHD writes in greater length about more skills specific to the Queer community in their book The Velvet Rage.